I feel like I want to use this time here in Burkina, here in my courtyard, here during rainy season, to allow myself to be introspective, to ponder, to write, to try and continue the long road to figuring out who I am and molding myself into who I want to be, but I also want to live in the moment, to experience what is here to be lived and learned. I know by shutting myself off from my village, I'm cutting myself off from those potential experiences, but some days I can't seem to get myself out the door. How do I become the person I want to be, the person who has the courage and the drive to leave the sanctuary of my courtyard and my books and my thoughts? Do I force myself out? Give myself goals? Re-read old journal entries? Make deals with other friends who do the same thing? How do I change, and hold onto those changes? Is each time I do force myself out of my gate an exercise, a repetition, a flexing of a muscle that will get stronger? I've gotten to the point that I can leave my courtyard every morning because I've set up expectations that I'll be some place. Could I do that with my afternoons? Do I want to?
I know I'm enjoying all the time to myself, away from people laughing at me for no obvious reason or telling me to learn Moore or asking me what I've brought them from the US/Ouaga/Europe/France/Etc. But could it be more valuable, more worth it, to just spend a few more hours outside my house every day? What could I do? I can go to the library and hang out at the maison des jeunes. I can find a Moore tutor. I can go sit out under the tree and read there or talk to my neighbors. I can study French. I can ask Ken to take me to see his family. I can go visit Simon's family and help in their fields. I can go on bike rides, although it's a little hot. I can leave my gate open. I can go visit Colette and the other ASVs. I can plan sensibilizations with my CSPS staff and the schools. I can finish my Etude. I can have more to tell my friends and less time to do it. Is it bad to make changes you want to make to yourself if they're motivated or inspired by the need and desire to impress someone else?
Three little baby lizards are running around my hangar. Two just jumped/fell off, and I can hear the third trying to decide if he's going to follow. The first two landed with a bounce and scuttled under a piece of seco.